Seeing my little brother for the first time in about a decade…

I sent 3 hand written letters to my little brother. I wanted to try to have a relationship with him. I wrote about not needing to talk about anything that may have happened in the past and apologized for anything and everything I may have done to hurt him. I let him know he did not have to talk to me or be friends with me but I wanted him to know that I wanted to get to know him. Three times I wrote. Each time I gave my email address, phone number and mailing address in case he wanted to reach out when he was ready. He never did.
We were both going to be in Ohio visiting and staying at our mother’s house. We would be in the same place for the first time in ten years at least. I was very nervous and scared and excited.
He was civil which was appreciated. He also spoke to me, but only when I asked him questions. It was one of the most awkward weekends of my life.
I don’t know what I expected or how I could have possibly hoped for anything more. He didn’t ignore me and for that I am grateful however I had to leave without saying goodbye. I couldn’t figure out what to say to him without crying so I just left.

Second visit in two months…

I went to Ohio for his wedding party. I helped our mom cook all the food and I cut the meat and prepared the platters for the event. I participated and talked to everyone there. Since the previous time we met he did not seem interested in talking to me I decided to leave him alone. Again, what would I say to someone I don’t know and someone who has such huge amounts of anger towards me for so long?
I think the only word he spoke to me was “Hi.”
That’s it.

I keep trying to figure out what I could write in another letter. I cannot be emotional. I cannot be straight forward. I basically have to write small talk with myself and mail it to him. I really do want to know my brother. It has been really sad for me without him. He is my one and only full blood relative.

I am happy he is happy. I am happy he has found a lovely wife to spend his life with.
Robert I am sorry I am not part of your life. I really wish I could be but I know I cannot force you to have a relationship with me. I pray that one day you have a desire to reconcile too.